Me

My life began just as everyone else on God's green earth. It just took me 30 years to realize that everyone else's life has been, will be or is AS SCREWED up as mine. I spent many many years a very angry, bitter young lady.

At the age of 28 my Mother started her fight against Ovarian cancer. She turned 38 on December 18, 1995, and lost the fight on January 12, 1996. Back then, especially in the 80's, ovarian cancer was an "Old lady's disease". Women in their 20's didn't get that, grandmother's were the most likely targets of such a fatal disease.

So at the age of almost 18 began my fight against God, the world and myself.

Growing up, I really didn't understand life, nor was I going to listen to anyone who tried to explain it to me. I say growing up because even the oldest person on this earth learns something new everyday, and isn't that part of growing up? I knew it all, and ignorned anyone who tried to prove otherwise. I know now that it's a phase we all grow through, but didn't know it at the time. My early 20's were the worst, and by the mid 20's I was so racked with guilt that I developed the insomnia which still plagues me today. The growing up process is still on going, but just recently turned into self discovery. I couldn't spend hours point the finger, and blaming people for my woes, but when it comes down to it, we all CHOOSE how our life turns out.

I mean do we spend our time making others happy, and following other's dreams? Or do we wake in the morning and pray,"Dear Lord help me be the best person I can be. Use my hands to do your work. Please give me the wisdom to see the signs you set out for me. Use me to bring people to your kingdom. Please take the hatred and anger from my heart and show me how to forgive those who have hurt me. Show me how to get past it and overlook it. Please work on my heart Dear Lord. Please help me live up to YOUR standards, not everyone else's. Please help me feel good about myself and help me let go of my past. I want to Thank you Lord for everything you have done, will do, given and will give in my life. In Jesus's name, Amen".
This is the prayer I pray every morning, evening and anytime in between. I use to turn to alchol for the answers, but now I turn to the Lord.

I started listening to that little voice in the back of my mind. You know the little voice that tells you to buy a package of plastic sheeting and duct tape for a car in front of you in the Walmart parking lot. 2 years ago, it was Christmas time, and I had run up to Walmart for something ( I don't even remember what it was we just couldn't live without). As I was pulling into the turn lane to get in the parking lot, I ended up behind an older car that had no back window. I couldn't tell you who was driving, just that there as at least 1 adult, and 3 or 4 teens. The Lord tells me to go inside and buy plastic sheeting for their back window. I said, but Lord I can't, I've only got $20.00 and I HAVE to buy ___. Besides I don't know those people, and I don't want people to think I'm crazy. So I proceeded into Walmart and went straight to hardware. The urgency was so great, that I ended up in sporting goods, and had to ask for help. The employee showed me where it was and I practically ran to check out. I sprinted outside, dropped the bag with the plastic sheeting and tape through the back window and went back inside. As soon as the bag left my hands I felt such a calm peace in my heart, that I KNEW it was the Lord speaking to me. People will say, it was just the holiday spirit that got into ya. This may be true, but I know that when I pray that prayer, things like this happen to me all the time. It can happen walking down the street